In a way, social media creates perfect opportunities for me to be part of a community. I can be “FB friends" and keep tabs on what people are doing (or more accurately, what they are choosing to share), I can offer support and gifts on my terms and often in low-stakes ways, and I can accept interactions from others as it is freely given—without feeling like I'm being a bother or making people uncomfortable (okay, maybe I still feel that way, but the internet offers people the opportunity to disengage in a way that isn't really awkward, even if I am).
Yet, it's these same features that make social media communities feel hollow—an intangible replication of connection, lacking in the warmth and depth and richness of being in the same space, at the same time with other living beings. Not only that, social media fails to distribute burdens and share resources; after all, the internet and social media platforms were all built under a capitalist influence in a capitalist world–and capitalism encourages brutal competition and profiting off of others, not collectivism and compassion. Capitalism promotes consumption, not engagement.
The thing is, I suck at finding and maintaining community, engagement, collaboration, and friendship; especially offline. Despite deeply craving such a sense of belonging and support, I have very little skill in maintaining those relationships. I’m flaky and unreliable: I’m more likely to go quiet than I am to routinely keep in touch; my health—physical and mental—are erratic and largely unpredictable; and I’m anxious as heck, so I’m more likely to not initiate engagement in new or unfamiliar situations.
This culminates in having a conflicting desire to be part of a close-knit community *and* to keep to myself while being unbeholden to social obligations. I want to have close friends and make meaningful connections, but not put myself out there or even necessarily put in the work and reliability that that entails. And I don't know how to reconcile these two aspects of my being.
I guess the theme of my last two posts is belonging. How do you find where you belong?